Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I'm really busy with my period
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