the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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