i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize