I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Randomize
