true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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