wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Randomize
