first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
