i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
