Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
