I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
