How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
