did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
