Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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