eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
