I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize