i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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