I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize