A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
