I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
