I think my vagina is haunted
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
