the condom got lost in my hair
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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