my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
