We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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