I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
