as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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