At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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