Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
His nipple licking is glorious
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