I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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