you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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