Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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