the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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