Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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