im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Randomize
