we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
