I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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