don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
