I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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