I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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