I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
