Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
How many fucks given?
0.12846
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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