WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
