who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
