It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
