last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
