she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
