I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
