you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
