Your dad touched me again.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
