You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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