so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
