Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
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