I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
