My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
