Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
