i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
