I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
