at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Enjoy the penises
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize